Anger v. Depression: Two Sides of the Same Coin
Would you rather be around someone who’s depressed, or someone who’s angry?
Anyone who’s ever had to live or work with someone who’s 
chronically depressed or angry knows that it’s no fun. If you suffer from either malady yourself, you’re probably not too thrilled with it either.
We tend to think of depression and anger as two completely different conditions. Yet they’re often flip sides of the same coin.
Depression is often anger turned inward, and anger is often depression turned outward. (I’m talking about the everyday kind, not the severe clinical kind.)
Depression often presents itself as morose, weary, lethargic behavior. Depressed people often feel like they’re just going through the motions of life without any energy or joy. Anger, on the other hand, seems full of seething, venomous, explosive energy that erupts at the slightest provocation.
Yet inside many depressed people is a very real anger that they don’t feel empowered enough to express. And inside many angry people is a sadness and depression that they’re afraid to experience.
Lest I sound too clinical in my assessment, I can tell you I’ve experienced both these phenomena myself. I’ve been fearful of expressing anger, yet the energy it took to stifle it sucked the life out of me. I’ve also been so afraid to sit with my own sadness that I lashed out at others.
And therein lies the problem. We’re too afraid to experience our real emotions, so we consciously or unconsciously stuff them, and the act of doing so brings out the equally, or frequently worse, flip side emotion. Anger turns into sadness and sadness turns into anger.
So how do we rise above it? If it’s a chronic condition, you probably need professional help. But for the moment-by-moment drama in the average Joe or Jane’s life, the solution is pretty obvious.
Give yourself permission to experience the real emotion. If you’re angry, just admit it. And if you’re sad, give yourself permission to sit with it. The quicker you acknowledge the real emotion, the better chance you’ll have of working through it.
Of course, it’s easier said than done. Most of us have a built-in bias against these two all too common emotions. Many people feel that succumbing to sadness casts you in the role of powerless victim, while others believe that nice people don’t get angry. Family history and cultural dynamics shape our perceptions, and we naturally resist experiencing the emotions we find the most distasteful and shameful.
Many couples often find themselves on opposite sides of the anger-depression continuum. One is depressed while the other is angry, and they’re both frustrated that their partner is exhibiting such an awful and inappropriate reaction to life.
It’s a hard dynamic to spot in yourself, but if you see it in a partner, or even a coworker or friend, you might consider helping them get in touch with what’s really bothering them.
If you’re dealing with someone who always seems angry, try asking them what they’re really sad about. And if you’re dealing with someone who’s depressed, ask what about their situation they might be angry about.
Be selective about when and how you ask. If you wait for an appropriate opening, their answers may surprise you.
Emotions are a part of life. They’re not always fun or pretty, but trying to stuff them never works. They just show up as something worse.
Lisa Earle McLeod is an author, columnist, keynote speaker and business consultant. The founder and principal of McLeod & More, Inc, she specializes in sales and leadership training. Her newest book, The Triangle of Truth, has been cited as the blueprint for “how smart people can get better at everything.” Visit www.TriangleofTruth.com for a short video intro. Copyright 2010 Lisa Earle McLeod. All rights reserved.
Oh you have certainly nailed this one! The problem is the emotions feel so overwhelming we think they will kill us — it appears easier to try to manage them, which really does not work at all and results in depression or sometimes rage. I don’t even know if we are concious about all this – I just wake up depressed sometimes. Or I am walking around clinching my jaws and do not even realize it until my neck and head start screaming with pain. I grew up around a very angry person, so I would always prefer the deression to the rage that was inflicted on me. If I go into an angry state I clean out closets and the house and anything in my space until it dissipates.
The best answer for this dillema is loving self analysis until you get to what is truly eating you up. Then you can be at choice about how to experience that, but first it has to have a name.
Great column, one of your most fabulous in a long line of fantastic columns!
Having lived with a depressed spouse for many years, I can whole-heartedly agree that anger and depression are related. I am also a person who buries my emotions, which I have found to cause physical illness. I am working hard to find outlets for those emotions. Being a Human Resource Manager, I don’t find it appropriate to let out those emotions at work. I have learned the enormous value of taking time to be by myself. And if I can’t get away, headphones and a good book are a reasonable compromise. Thank you for bringing these issues out for people to ponder. They can change a life.
thanks for this thoughtful post.
Hi Lisa,
That is an interesting insight. In my roller coaster life, I’ve developed a “survival” strategy somehow. And I’ve become aware of this through keepiing a tough times journal. In re reading my notes, I observed the same dynamic over and over. Stuff happens. I slip into a sadness: …how can people be so inconsiderate to me? …feelings of inadequacy. ….why can’t I be more on top of the “game”? …low self esteem. I feel alone and wallow in self pity until I’m ’sub’ merged. It’s sink or swim at that point. That’s why I call it survival. I start turning it outward as you say and that means pointing the finger. My questions are then turned to the offenders. What kind of person does this? What was their motivation? Why me? Then I get angrier and angrier until my thoughts change from “poor me” to “I’ll show you!” and “From now on…..blah, blah, blah!!!” And I make a total turnaround.
I do let myself feel the emotion of the day and when I get to the truth about myself, that’s when I can step up to the next emotion which is usually one level up. For the sadness, it’s anger that is next. As I work through anger, I climb into frustration and from there somehow I find hopefulness in the understanding of the let’s say ‘dark side of the human nature’. And finally I feel empowered by that understanding, knowing I can deal with those people or situations differently NEXT TIME !!!
My life improves through every trying situation when I feel my emotions and allow myself the full process because I don’t stay stuck in that one place. It drains me; but anger is a powerful thing. It’s like the adrenaline of the soul. And I work through it as well. I use the emotions as tools for personal growth and understanding. I’ve seen anger used as a weapon and that’s a whole other ball game. I guess somewhere in all this emotional vomit has to be a retreat from others, a time to get the sh.. out without messing up everything around oneself. If you can find some private time you can get it out, flush the emotional toilet, close the lid, and move on. No regrets.
For many, finding the time and privacy to really deal with the stuff is not an option: the kids, the partner, a busy life. The consequences can be destructive; so stuffing it in a box makes sense. Deepak Chopra suggests that we find alone time every day, 15 minutes, preferably in a nature setting, and extending that time gradually to a day, and eventually to a couple of days by and by. I totally see the benefit in this Oh so simple thing.
Thanks for your columns. It’s a moment to stop and think about what really matters.
L.